One of the many wonders of the world is fire. It's fscking great. Not only did it help us keep warm and fend off our enemies way back in the day, but it's still a great toy now. (Following that statement, I'd like to refer you all to the disclaimer on the front page absolving me of all responsibility for whatever may happen. It's not my fault if you lose your eyebrows. Unless you like it and think you look cool without eyebrows. Then it was my idea and I'm great.) Let's face it: There's a little pyro in all of us waiting to come out. And you should let it out, because your inner child is complaining of third degree burns, poor little tyke.

In conclusion, it's fun to burn things and/or indiscriminately shoot fire everywhere. It soothes the soul. This is why I've used a little inginuity to create a poor-man's flamethrower.

The items we need for this project are pretty straightfoward:

1. Fuel - Isopropol Alcohol, Price: .50 - 1.00

Alcohol is flamable, or, if you prefer, inflamable. A little essence of booze combined with air makes an excellent fuel. There was wintergreen scented rubbing alcohol on sale for fifty cents a bottle, but if I'm going to dispense flamming death unto my enemies (or bugs, whatever), I feel it takes away from the effect if my deadly flames smell all minty.

2. Delivery System - Spray Bottle, Price: 1.00

Any old crappy spray bottle will do well enough to squirt a mist of alcohol. This one is blue and kinda cool looking, although red might have been more appropriate.

3. Ignition System - Lighter or Candle, Price: 3 Pack for 1.00/10 Pack for 1.00

Either a lighter or a lit candle will work fine for igniting the fuel. A lighter works well because it can simply light itself, as opposed to the candle which must be lit from another fire source. The plus side to the candle is that it's longer and therefore allows you to keep the flame action further away from your hand. This way, if you happen to be uncoordinated, inebriated, or both, you stand a slightly smaller chance of burning the crap out of yourself.

TOTAL COST: $2.50-3.00

1. Fill the spray bottle with alcohol.

Don't drink any. This is not the yummy kind of alcohol.

2. Have the lighter or lit candle around.

Make fire. Simple enough.

3. Write "AIM AWAY FROM FACE" on the bottle.

If you happen to have a sharpie pen around, you better write that on there. You know that you if you don't, the second you leave it alone some dumb fsck is going to aim it at his face. Happens every time.

Now you may be thinking that you've sprayed a match with hairspray before, and that that's way cooler. The benefit to this setup is that, due to superior control of fuel release, it is far less likely to fscking explode.

1. Aim.

There's lots of cool stuff in this world to burn. (No, I didn't mean that, stoner.) Or, if you're not in a particularly destructive mood, just aim harmlessly into the air.

2. Hold the flame around four or five inches away from the end of the spray bottle.

This seems to be about the right distance for proper burnination. Too far and you end up with a wussy flame, too close and everything will melt and catch on fire, endowing you with a warm, fuzzy feeling akin to napalm.

3. Spray.

FIRE! Yes, bow down before the might of man! Woo! Note the cloud of vapor. These shots are from the afternoon, but it's far more impressive at night.