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Dungeons & Dragons - Some of us tremble at those words. The worst fear of the casual nerd is to suddenly find themselves caught up in the hard stuff. To a responsible person, some console and computer RPGing is really just harmless fun. However, to the naive and impressionable among us, it becomes a gateway into something more serious. Suddenly, you're ignoring your family, falling behind at work, and neglecting your girlfriend, or more likely, your stack of magazines. All you do is huddle together with the other undesirables in dark corners, praying for that natural twenty. Then it happens: Eventually, through concern or curiosity, someone goes through your things and finds your dirty little secret - You've got dice. And not your old-fashioned honest to goodness six sided crapshoot dice. No, they're strange, evil, mutant dice with 20 sides and four sides and other frightening dimensions. Then they know the ugly truth - You're on DND.
It happened to me one day. My friends started doing it, and then suddenly I had two pages outlining the abilites and possessions of a half-elf sitting on my desk. I haven't gone as far as getting the dice, but it's bad. I want the dice, I need the dice.
But at least I don't play Everquest.
In any case, you should learn from my tragic downfall into the darker realms of nerdom. What I've discovered about the seedy underbelly of geek culture may shock and disturb you. You've been warned.
Discovery #1:
Now I bet you're agreeing with me right now. It's true that if you use "gay" as interchangeable for "sucky", then a lot of people are on your side. Dungeons and Dragons does involve a lot of math and writing which makes it appear to be some sort of bastardized form of recreational homework. But by "gay" I mean that Dungeons and Dragons actually possesses homosexual properties. Just reading the player's manual made that painfully obvious. Just look. Chapter One, Page One:
A naked guy right off the bat. You don't even know what all the crazy dice do and they're already throwing this at you. Apparently subtley is not the author's strong suit.
Moving along now, we get to the chapter about the different races. Of course, they include drawings of the men and women of each race. Now you'd think any self-respecting nerd would take this opportunity to include some fine ladies, right? Wrong:
Where did the artist go wrong? Let's itemize here:
Elf - Not Bad: Yeah, Mrs. Spock here is alright. If it weren't for the creepy ears, she'd look pretty damn good. Then again, some people have a thing for elf ears, which is a whole other article in itself.
Human - O.K.: Your classic standby human woman. Not exceptional, but not bad.
Halfling/Gnome - Midgets: The Midgets (or if you prefer, "Little People") are a bit offputting. Sure, that Gnome has got the magic finger, but her face resembles various skulls used in my Anthropology class. The Halfling isn't half bad (mandatory pun), but there's still the matter of scale. Then again, some people have a thing for midgets.
Dwarf - Fat Midget: The Fat Midget (or if you prefer, "Fat Little Person") looks like a shaved ape. Then again, some people have a thing for fat chicks too. Maybe these Dungeons and Dragons guys aren't all gay, but rather, major fetishists.
Half-Elf - Lesbian: Take a look at Butch over there. What the hell? They had a perfectly good chance to take the fairly hot elf chick and combine it with a human in such a way that you could create a hybrid babe with only trace amounts of crazy ears. But no, they had to make her gay too. What a waste.
Half-Orc - MAN IN DRAG!!: I can only hope that that's a man in drag. Dear god, if that's what orc chicks look like, I'm surprised that there are any orcs left at all. I mean, christ, it might be bearable with that thing just standing around behind the more acceptable females, but it's there, dead center, doing that finger thing. Just look at the finger! LOOK AT IT!
You think I would have stopped right there or at least have found some more attractive ladies and pasted them into the book. But no, I wanted to learn to play. Here we go again:
Naked guy #2! It's clear that something is up. I managed to finish the book without incident, but is this just part of a larger pattern? As we speak, I'm assembling a crack team of experts to review my findings. I'll keep you posted on our progress as we come closer to solving this mysterious occurance.
What other strange horrors lurk within this world of dice and acne? Another lesson for another time, perhaps. For now, just be grateful that DnD is typically played sitting down.
Legal Bullshit: Dungeons & Dragons is copyright Wizards of the Coast and other related companies. This is just my opinion. Don't sue me.